Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
