so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
