Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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