You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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