now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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