You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
