There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
