my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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