I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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