There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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