so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
