ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
how does that bad decision feel?
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