How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
