Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
