It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
