I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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