Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
