Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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