Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize