i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
