Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
