My friends, they love my intelligence
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
