so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Randomize
