toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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