I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Come on in and take your pants off
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