You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
please come you make the beer taste better
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
