Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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