You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
