I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
How external is "for external use only"?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
