i just snorted my name. best moment ever
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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