she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
