Where is the hickey?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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