This girl is more easily done than said...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
