I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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