i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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