i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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