I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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