I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
