it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
