this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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