I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
