dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
