I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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