You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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