My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I fill condoms, not promises.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
