dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
