I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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