Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
