just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
