I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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