I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
