I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize