I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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