My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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