You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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