Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
