I wanna passion pit in your ass
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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