At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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