New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
