sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
