Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
