im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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